i've been dealing with a lot of anxiety the past few months. since december actually, when we started weaning. (surpriiiiiiised?) these anxiety attacks manifest themselves with crazy, near crippling daily stomachaches, mostly. and this week we finally discovered why. i've got me the premenstrual dysphoric disorder, have you heard of it? ignoring the obvious problem here, that my hormones apparently seem to be trying to kill me (first they won't let me get pregnant, now they won't even let me enjoy not being pregnant!?), it's been such a relief. i'm relieved to know that it's not emotional, it's physical, and that for at least two weeks out of every month i can expect to feel normal. that's, well, it's comforting. in a weird way.
i'm hoping it's temporary. and even if it's not, this won't last forever, i know that. and i'm grateful for a body that's at least trying. weird hormones are better than no hormones, question mark? i do suspect that once the weaning hormones finally sort themselves out, i'll be back to normal. maybe another month, maybe two. maybe then i'll get back to the usual migraines i used to get with my periods before i finally got pregnant with huck. they used to make me tremble in my boots they were so bad, but those hormonal migraines will seem like such a vacation after all this nonsense! and wow, getting pregnant and getting to nurse again will be such a blessing, 'cause those hormones are my jam. (as if i needed another silly reason to want to get pregnant).
i am fervently endeavored in the lemonade side of these lemons, so here are a few things i've learned in therapy that i always want to remember, and that i hope you will remember too: it's okay to not always be strong. it's okay to sometimes feel scared. it's okay to rely on your partner for strength, even when you worry your lean may feel more like a dead weight. it's okay to let go of the idea that if you just work hard enough, you can please everybody. because you can't. you can't please everybody. and it's okay to stop reading the crap people write about you online. it's okay to not try and make them like you (you can't make them like you). it's okay to decide not to care when people hate you over misunderstandings (or over your eyebrows ;). it's okay, it's okay, it's okay. we are beautiful and good enough, just as god made us. god does not make mistakes. and the stomachaches will go away with time, and the hormone-induced fears too, and i know i'll start to feel like myself again soon. hormones are ever changing, after all. and even when i worry that i'm not, i know that i am stronger than this. we all are. because we are not our bodies. these bodies are our limits, but we are limitless.
all this horrible heart pounding anxiety and all this time in prayer and reflection has brought a few things to my mind that i've come to realize i'm horribly passionate about. it's spurred me on to a few really great new projects that i'm excited to announce soon, though i can't spill the deets until a little bit later . . .
but until then i just wanted to say: solidarity, girls. fist bumps. we're going to get through this. and also, thank you. i am so grateful for all of the beautiful, generous women who come here every day and care so much for our family. you all are such a strength to me. i hope to be able to repay your kindness someday. ;)
yours in hormonal solidarity,