Ohh Barney, Barney, Barney.
Now, I know that you all come here for two things: The Holbshunk (who is so dreamy these days or so I've been told), and Peter Pan, who is basically the dog equivalent of Maya Angelou. The Holbs is hot and The Pan is bizarre; together they make up the bulk of my life's interestingness. If ever I need a moment of entertainment I like to look at Peter Pan and see what he can come up with for me. Usually he's doing something weird, like analyzing the pattern of the wood grain on the furniture or sitting forlornly under the bag of doggie toys hung just out of his reach making needy eyes at me. That dog is always thinking about something, you know. You can stare into Peter's beady little eyes and see the depths of the oceans, the heights of the mountains, the eternities of the Heavens, the square root of Pi. He is just a weird little dog.
And then, there's Barney.
Barney is stupid.
You stare into Barneys eyes and all you see is liquid goofiness.
Sometimes The Holbs calls him Blackey and I think that sounds horribly racist, but don't you?
Barnaby MacDuff joined our family on a stupid day in July. I can't really say what possessed us to go into the pet store that day. We were just tooling around town coming up with random things to entertain ourselves with ("Wanna get a soda?" "Sure!" "Wanna walk the mall?" "Sure!" "Wanna buy a dog?" "Why not?") and then there we were, staring into the eyes of the cutest, sweetest, tiniest, stupidest little baby Scottie. Words don't do it justice, the cuteness.
He was only barely six weeks old, which is a travesty if you know anything about puppy development. Puppies should not be taken from their mothers before they are are at least ten weeks old. We saw that little dude sitting there in that cold metal cage and I just knew it was too soon for him, that he was grieving and alone, that he needed littermates, that he needed a mama.
So, duh. We brought that stupid dog home so I could breastfeed him.
When Barnaby sits it is not with the daintiness of a tender Peter Pan, who sits almost in slow motion, his back erect, his ears perked just-so. If Peter Pan had pinkies they would constantly be up. Peter Pan is a gentleman. When Barnaby sits he just collapses onto the ground with a heavy THUNK, legs spewed every which way. Either it is deliberate or not, I haven't decided yet. I mean, maybe he selects his resting spot ahead of time and then artfully dives into it or something or else maybe he really is just ambling along with no preconceived strategy to life until something deep within his psyche shouts FALL! and then, thunk. I guess depending on your perspective on life it is either one of these things.
Sometimes I like to play a little game with Barnaby when he is laying on the couch. I stand in front of him with my arms folded and just look at him. The minute we make eye contact his tail is rotating fast enough to propel a small jet airliner. Thunk-thunk-thunk-thunk-thunk it goes against the back of the couch, his eyes open as wide as they will go while he lays there like a dead fish. I turn my back to him and the thunking slows, until it stops and he sighs. I give him a minute and then I turn around again and look at him, and whump-whump-whump-whump goes his tail against the couch again. I can do this for hours.
Barnaby MacDuff will make you fall in love. He has these stupid soulful eyes - one look and you're a goner. Everybody loves Barnaby MacDuff, but do not mistake, Barnaby MacDuff does not love you. Barnaby MacDuff is not a lover. Barnaby MacDuff is a fighter. All day long he prowls the back yard fence just looking for someone to have a scrape with. He barks at dogs ten times his size like he stands a chance. He growls at two hundred pound men and has challenged the elderly to a duel on more than one occasion. He is brave, make no mistake. He will take you down, man.
Barnaby MacDuff is always getting himself into trouble. He is just so stupid, it is like trouble follows him around, fascinated by the amount of sheer stupidity it can convince Barney into. After all, Barnaby has a bottomless appetite for adventure.
I imagine that the minute we leave the house it goes something like this:
Barney:
HEY! GARBAGE! WANNA WANNA? HUH HUH?!
Peter:
{sighs patiently}
I told you I am contemplating the eternities tonight, weird dog. I do not have time for your childishness. There is too much suffering in the world for me to be concerned with the contents of the bathroom trash receptacle. Besides, I love my mother and I would never.
Barney:
. . . OKAY! LET'S GO!
And then I come home to used q-tips and empty toothpaste tubes dotted with teeth marks and dried out bleach wipes scattered all over the carpet and I'm like, What the ? And then there's stupid Barney with a stupid little look on his face like WU-OH! Meanwhile Peter Pan is off penning a sonnet under the bed or reading Proust or whatever. I swear to you this is how it is around here.
And then this is my favorite part. I look Barney square in his guilty little eyes, put one hand on my hip, point a finger at him with the other, and I growl. Ohhhhhhhhhhhh . . .
His lip curls up over his teeth and he smiles a crooked little smile at me.
Barrrrrrneeeyyyyyyyyy. You have to say it softly at first, like something's coming, something mean and nasty and angry. He'll scooch down on his belly and duck his head down with his ears cockedd back, but his tail wags violently, giving him away.
BAAARRRRRRNNNEEEEYYYYYY I growl. I get right up into his face and he starts to squirm, grunting and wiggling in pure guilty delight.
YOU BAD BOYYYYYYY! I like to tug on his beard for emphasis.
That is his cue and he is off, circling the room at dizzying speeds, growling and huffing and skipping and running into my legs with his head as a battering ram. This is his apology. It is just adorable.
And then I laugh and laugh while I scratch his stupid ears and he wags that stupid tail. Because how do you stay mad at a stupid dog who loves getting into trouble that much?
And then I clean up his stupid mess, while Peter watches reruns of Arrested Development on my laptop.
* * * *
Whenever people come to the house I have to ask them,
Who is your favorite?
I know what kind of person you are
By which dog you select.
There's no real right answer
(Except there totally is.)
So, I'm curious.
Indulge me?
41 comments:
LOL. I love this post its my favorite you've done by far since I started following your blog. Geez choosing between the two is hard because they are both so cute. I would have to go with Peter Pan because he looks like a cute little man. Like in a past life he was a writer and wrote novels. He does have that smart look about him.
I want a Barney!
I think that having both is the only way to go... a perfect world. The brilliant and the... well, not so. Your pups are wonderful, as is this latest post!
I would probably love Barney. Because I like dogs that like me. EXCEPT for the case of my parents' dogs. Zoe is aloof and pretty and definitely Alpha Female, while Simon is constantly giving you PLEEEEEEASE LOVE ME eyes.
But here is a game I play with Zoe. She'll be chilling outside the kitchen, watching us humans eat. And I'll stand up slowly, and then jump and whip my head towards the windows. And she'll sit up and look too. Then together we RACE to the front and stare at the street. Then, I jump and look at the BACK of the house, and she will too, and then together we will RACE to the back windows.
We do this, oh, for a good 20 minutes, and then I scratch her ears and tell her she killed whatever we were looking at (usually ficticious). And then I make her walk like a human.
Sorry. Long.
omg i think the baby barney is the single most cutest dog in the entire world. i want him! and i'm definitely not a dog person... that's saying something. but peter pan's personality is awesome.
I'm a tutor at a middle school, so there are the good-natured kids and the trouble-makers. I love the good-natured ones, but my heart belongs to those terrible, awful, mischievous imps. I think it's their unadulterated love of life that I think I lose so much of the time. :)
I think I side with the troublesome one. While he may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, he'd make me laugh....and I love that about my own pup.."Chubs"..sometimes, he just looks at me and cocks his head from side to side like he's trying to "figure me out"..and I just die laughing....
Dogs make an average Tuesday night at home...anything but average sometimes.
Your little pup reminds me of a very troublesome ornery cat I once had...same home from a night out to a winter wonderland...an entire living room covered in white. It looked like the north pole in there. Troublesome kitty shred THREE...count them...THREE rolls of paper towels all over the room. The couch, the chair, there was shredded towel on top the television....lining the clock on the wall...it was like amazing how precise her accidental tissue placement had been. I thought to myself, no mere cat could of done this in one night....but then i looked at her and thought to myself...but she is no mere cat....and she absolutely wasn't....
~hl~
{www.hoscorners.blogspot.com}
OMGosh I was laughing all the way through! I'd definitely have to pick Barnaby Baby. Except he's like a spoiled step-child and as soon as I'd leave my house I'd drop him back at Aunt Nat's.
I always go for the bad boys, so it'd have to be Barney. He just seems more fun.
I'd have to choose Barney! Both are cute, but after seeing those baby pictures of Barney, there's not much else to say!
Also, I am clumsy and goofy too, so I think he would understand me :-)
Peter Pan, of course, He is the perfect size for holding, and He LETS you hold him, who could say no to a dog who likes cuddles? Dogs were made for cuddles!
I have a Labrador who is too big to hold, and if I try he thinks I want to wrestle, and he ends up biting me, and I end up bruised(literally) and bloody(sometimes).
Peter Pan has made me want a Wire fox terrier.
I can see why you couldn't pass up baby Barnaby at the store..too cute!
Isn't it crazy how much of a personality dogs have, and how different they can be when they live in and were raised in the same house?!
Oh yeah...I am a Barney fan!
From one crazy dog lady to another - I loved this post. Your pups are lucky to have you! :)
From one crazy dog lady to another - I loved this post! Your pups are lucky boys!
I've had hyper dogs. My favorite dog in the whole world was mad as a hatter, but I'm also grown and have little ones and no energy for more hyperness around here. I'm going to go with Peter Pan. I'd like to find myself a nice calm dog, if I could be guaranteed a calm dog I might actually consider getting one.
I have to go with Peter Pan. He is so calm, not a fighter - and doesn't leave the big messes to clean up - the biggest plus in my opinion!
I think the crazy puppy antics might drive me crazy! But, looking into those sweet eyes, I just melt.
I love them both. I'm a huge scottie fan they are such cute dogs, my parents have a westies which is very similar. What breed is Peter, he looks like an Airedale? He is very cute too, I would have to have both!
Just before you wrote about Barney's stupid soulful eyes, I was thinking "But how can you look into those sweet eyes and not love him??" Hellish as he may be, he's a cutey!
Awwww. :D I love Barney.
I would just love to scoop Barney up and snuggle him!
I loved this blog today! I am a huge dog lover and have had so many in my life. Each have left a paw print on my heart never to be forgotten. I have had three Shelties in my life and each of them LOVED to raid the bathroom wastebasket....aaaarrgghh! They would always look innocent as though they could NEVER do that! Miss them so....Right now I have a lovely lady Golden ..Annie and a whippersnapper Chihuahua mix...Stewie who have me wrapped around there paws...thanks for sharing a great story of your little poochies.
I think they are both equally adorable. However, you can see the mischief in Barneys eyes LOL
great post!
How could anyone choose between your two adorable puppies? Barney has the looks and knows they are what helps him get away with all the trouble he causes. And then Peter is just the wise one who is above all that. (Thats my understanding based on what I've read of your blogs). I feel the two of them average each other out and make up one normal dog (if there is such a thing).
Oh my gosh. I had a Barney. His name was Jasper. The biggest trouble maker in the world. He was a Basset Hound. Died in December last year. I still have another dog, the sweetest, most kind and loving creature ever to walk the planet. Her name is Pollyanna. She is by far my favorite.
So, I think I'll have to go with Peter Pan because I've already been there and done that with the trouble makin' Barneys.
Isn't it amazing that your doggies are so different? Like, completely opposite-ends-of-the-spectrum-different!
The posts dedicated to your dogs makes me wish I had one.
Especially Barnaby MacDuff. I already know I've chosen the wrong answer (because if there's a "right" answer then there has to be a wrong one, right?)
Having said that, I hope your children are more like the Pan...
I don't know what you were expecting him to be, I mean you did name him Barney, dumb kind of comes a long with that territory.
At least he has his looks and big giant heart. I'd pick Barney.
I am indecisive and laughing so hard I am crying, so no choosing between dogs today. Kiss them both on the mouth for me though....
In the back of my mind, I always sort of thought that when I finally got a dog, I would end up with a super-smart dog, like one of those ones you see on Oprah that alerted its owner to early-stage cancer or can count with its paw or do the entire John Travolta dance part of "You're the One That I Want." And I would train this dog so well and she would just be a natural at learning everything and would look at me with so much human-like understanding in her eyes and I would KNOW she understood exactly what I was saying. Not so. Wren is dumb. She is a dumb dog who can't determine the difference between "sit" and "down" and "paw" and "up" so when she sees a treat in hand and hears a command, she just does all of them in order again and again until you give her the treat.
OMG! This is awesome! I love the way you write, as always, and now I'm totally in love with your dogs. They have such personality. Don't they? Although Peter would totally entertain me as he spouted sonnets, I have to go with Barney because I'm a goofy dog lover. I have a 70-lb, extremely smart in a really dumb way Labrador who never fails to bore me. Sometimes her stupidity is just so stinking awesome! I can't help but get a laugh out of her every single day. The goofiness is never ending!
#1: your last few posts have been gems.
#2: BABY BARNEY! HOW CUUUUUTEE!
#3: though the way you describe Peter is pee-your-pants hilarious, I'd have to say I'm a Barney person, because he reminds me too much of my own mutt.
Barney is my favorite. As the proud {?} owner of a needy, neurotic, 85lb golden retriever...I love the disturbed ones. :)
But what I wouldn't give to have a calm, sophisticated Peter Pan.
Your blog is very well written; its always neat to see what you've got in store for us today :) .
I don't think I could choose between Peter Pan and Barney! The two together give each other such personality! They wouldn't make such wonderful little fuzzy characters without one another.
Great post about Barney. It's funny mine is a bit of a fighter. She's almost a year now and she does come around to give me love in her own way on her terms. She's a terrific little thing.
Check out my Barney if you have a moment only she's a girl.
http://scifimusings.blogspot.com/2009/05/maisie.html
I am gonna have to go with Barnaby. Simply because my own two dogs are stupid as well (and littermates, I call them the moron twins) and the episode with the trash sounds quite familiar.
This is the way things work around here - While I'm reading the post, I'm thinking "Awww, Barney!" But then Peter Pan wasn't getting enough love in comments, so I felt bad for him, and thought, "Awww, Peter Pan!" So, I will have to agree w/ the commenters woosing out & picking both dogs. But isn't that the great thing about it - you don't have to choose because you get them both! : )
Very cute photos, think researchers at some New Zealand University published a paper saying eat your dog, well upshot was something like a medium sized dog is twice a polluting as a SUV driven 10,000 miles a year.
Actually, I don't come here for the dogs or the Holbs... I'm a fan of your style of writing. It's so alive.
aawwwwww so cute :D
I vote for Peter Pan! Who can resist soulful puppy eyes?
I too have a barney and a Peter at home ( except they are lilly and Nixon)my hubby and I always say if we could combine them they would be the perfect dog :) So I'd have to say both because I can never choose!
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