Lately my body and I are frenemies. I take her shopping sometimes. She likes a top but I tell her it makes the top of her arms look fat. How about this, she says, ooh but your legs, I say. That looks nice, I tell her in the dressing room, but as soon as she wears it at home I tell her she's too short, too soft around the middle, honestly what were you thinking, did you think you could pull this off?
It's no wonder we aren't getting along these days. What kind of a horrible friend am I?
My husband shakes me by the shoulders in front of our favorite taco joint when I mention this to him.
In my life my body is my biggest obstacle. Every day I work with it and against it. I fight it, and it fights me. I try to make it do things and it stubbornly refuses. I alter its hormones and monitor its ovulation, I sex it up and exercise it and feed it right and still it won't comply. So I push it and pull it and batter it with scrutiny and processed food, and I force it into styles and trends that betray me. Some days I think it looks really pretty good, the next day I wish I were six inches taller, at least five pounds lighter. I definitely wish I were pregnant.
Why is it so hard?
I don't think it's an exaggeration to say that a negative body image is a special tool of Satan's, sharpened just for women. Every day we hold ourselves back from our true potential with these unsatisfied thoughts and feelings. I mean, imagine the things I could learn if I could free up the brain space!
I struggle to find the balance between wanting to feed my body too little and wanting to overfeed my body and emotions in frustration. Every afternoon at four o'clock I want a giant bowl of ice cream with mashed potatoes and gravy on the side and five handfuls of Lucky Charms. Every day I make things just a little more difficult for myself. Just being honest.
Before we moved to San Jose for the summer I decided I needed another blessing. Something with extra oomph. Out came a good friend in the ward and the oil for a special blessing of healing. This was a blessing for my body, for my hormones. I was blessed that the treatments would be effective, and then I was blessed that I would learn to love others more than I love myself. I went, say what? But the more its sank in the more I think I get it. This kind of problem we have here might not look like love at the outset, but actually it is self-indulgence, self-centeredness. Allowing ourselves to dwell over something as insignificant as the shape of our knees or the weight in our faces is a definite deference to ourselves above all others. Denying myself an afternoon snack when I am hungry because I had a slightly larger lunch than I had planned is choosing to love who I want to be more than who I am. I am keeping all the love to myself. I'm not sharing any love.
Maybe I need to learn to love my body more than I love myself?
So, like the time my period was a day late and I distracted myself by imagining a ballerina in a tutu whenever I started to wonder if I was pregnant, I have begun employing a little mental trick:
It's no wonder we aren't getting along these days. What kind of a horrible friend am I?
My husband shakes me by the shoulders in front of our favorite taco joint when I mention this to him.
Get a grip, he says. You're so screwed up.
He doesn't even know.
In my life my body is my biggest obstacle. Every day I work with it and against it. I fight it, and it fights me. I try to make it do things and it stubbornly refuses. I alter its hormones and monitor its ovulation, I sex it up and exercise it and feed it right and still it won't comply. So I push it and pull it and batter it with scrutiny and processed food, and I force it into styles and trends that betray me. Some days I think it looks really pretty good, the next day I wish I were six inches taller, at least five pounds lighter. I definitely wish I were pregnant.
Why is it so hard?
I don't think it's an exaggeration to say that a negative body image is a special tool of Satan's, sharpened just for women. Every day we hold ourselves back from our true potential with these unsatisfied thoughts and feelings. I mean, imagine the things I could learn if I could free up the brain space!
I struggle to find the balance between wanting to feed my body too little and wanting to overfeed my body and emotions in frustration. Every afternoon at four o'clock I want a giant bowl of ice cream with mashed potatoes and gravy on the side and five handfuls of Lucky Charms. Every day I make things just a little more difficult for myself. Just being honest.
Before we moved to San Jose for the summer I decided I needed another blessing. Something with extra oomph. Out came a good friend in the ward and the oil for a special blessing of healing. This was a blessing for my body, for my hormones. I was blessed that the treatments would be effective, and then I was blessed that I would learn to love others more than I love myself. I went, say what? But the more its sank in the more I think I get it. This kind of problem we have here might not look like love at the outset, but actually it is self-indulgence, self-centeredness. Allowing ourselves to dwell over something as insignificant as the shape of our knees or the weight in our faces is a definite deference to ourselves above all others. Denying myself an afternoon snack when I am hungry because I had a slightly larger lunch than I had planned is choosing to love who I want to be more than who I am. I am keeping all the love to myself. I'm not sharing any love.
Maybe I need to learn to love my body more than I love myself?
So, like the time my period was a day late and I distracted myself by imagining a ballerina in a tutu whenever I started to wonder if I was pregnant, I have begun employing a little mental trick:
Heavenly Father,
it goes,
Heavenly Father,
Please bless me to see my body
As a gift
And as Thou would see it,
Not as the world would see it.
it goes,
Heavenly Father,
Please bless me to see my body
As a gift
And as Thou would see it,
Not as the world would see it.
It's silly, but it's the right thing to do. And sometimes it even works.
Like this morning I looked at my legs in the mirror and I realized it was like getting a special hello from my mother. I smiled, grateful to see the positive, and then I vowed to only wear long pants as long as I live. So, there you go.
Like this morning I looked at my legs in the mirror and I realized it was like getting a special hello from my mother. I smiled, grateful to see the positive, and then I vowed to only wear long pants as long as I live. So, there you go.
6 comments:
Aaaaamen.
Sounds like me talking. Except for all the wise, I-need-to-love-my-body stuff. But here's to making that part of my own thought process!
Satan works on the best. Don't let him win.
Ps. Chi is totally worth it and yes one from ebay will work. That is where I got mine and it's fantastic!
Okay, I'm a total blog stalker but had to let you know that this post was what I needed today. And as much as I know it, the battle still goes on everyday. I just saw a picture today that almost sent me down the spiral of sadness today, and yet I stopped after about an hour and decided that wouldn't determine my happiness today. Thanks for this great post.
Wow, very insightful. and so true. thanks...I needed this today.
Natalie...you are a pretty gal. It's society that gives us women disturbed body images. We have to focus on something better.
I noticed some weed puling going on at your house when we were driving by the other day. ;)
my comment would have been really long and possibly boring so i blogged it instead. i hope that's ok :) your blog always makes me feel as if i have a close friend i've never met (is that possible?). anyway, as always, your words resonate with me :)
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